Desire
by littleboygenius
Summary: Kouichi loves his twin brother. In fact Kouichi would do anything to make him his own. Meanwhile Kouji's concerned about his brother's wellbeing. And Takuya's concerned about Kouji. What does this equal? Angstangstangst.


Author's note, because we all love them: Okay, my first Frontier fic ... yeah, I hear all of your enthusiasm out there ... go home! But, um, this actually turned out A LOT more violent than I intended. I wrote it in two parts. I kind of got up to the part where Kouichi wakes up and then left it for a few weeks. Actually, more like a month, and then when I came back to it I couldn't believe that I'd left it off at such a crucial part. Yeah, I suck. But then it got really violent and I just left it, I'd always planned for the story to end like this, but I didn't think I'd make it so graphically explicit. When I first started this story in a Health in Society class I initially wanted to gouge my eyes out for writing something so melodramatic, and one of those 'run-of-the-mill' type Digimon fics. I don't know. It still seems rather cliché to me. But I may be a harsh critic. Well, um, read it, enjoy it, review it. Isn't that what we all ask here?  
  
Frontier isn't mine, if it were Kouichi wouldn't be so much of a freakin' Ken!clone and Tomoki would die a most dreadful death, much like Iori ~__^  
  
++  
  
Kouichi lay in the warm water, immersed up to his neck in the clear liquid. The air hung thickly in the air, the mirror fogged, and Kouichi struggled to breathe in it. He sighed heavily, not moving and staring straight ahead, seemingly amazed by the simple white tiles on the wall.  
  
"Kou ... ji," He wheezed quietly to himself, his voice full of need and lust for his twin brother.  
  
He knew what he was feeling was wrong but he couldn't help it. To him Kouji was perfect. His eyes became glassy with his longing and the salty tears mingled with the hot water. Kouji would never want him in that way, all he'd ever see him as would be his twin brother, nothing more, nothing less. Kouichi hung his arms over the side of the bath. Water spilled onto the floor and splashed loudly. Several lacerations glared red on the underside of his forearms, the hot water making them even more painful to look at. Kouichi felt them stinging bitterly, much like his heart, and cried harder. He couldn't speak to anyone about his feelings. How could he? Kouji was his own brother for god's sake, his twin brother! Their blood was the same. Kouichi clenched his fists, the thin layer of skin that had grown over the cuts in his arm breaking. Dark red blood dribbled down his pale skin and dripped off his fingertips, falling into the pools of water he'd made on the floor earlier. The water began to turn a pale pink, colouring the white tiles underneath with his own blood. Kouichi felt his veins pumping, pain radiating up his arm. He smiled sadly, upset that it had come to this. He lifted his left arm to look at the marks he had made and watched the blood fall down to his elbow, making a small plop as it hit the water.   
  
"Just one more," He muttered, the atmosphere in the bathroom causing his head to feel heavy. He slowly reached up to the sink, delicately picking up the tiny razor blade he had put there earlier. Carelessly he tested its sharpness on his thumb, his question answered when blood oozed from where the blade had run across the hardened skin. He held the razor between his thumb and forefinger tightly and held his arm out in front of him, above the water.  
  
"The last time," He whispered tearfully.  
  
He watched, helpless as the sharp blade dragged across his translucent skin, a trail of blood left behind. His hand sliced over and over again in the same gash, the sound of cutting flesh refreshing in his ears as he stared, entranced by the sight. The blood pooled around his wrist at a ridiculous pace and dribbled off effortlessly, almost beautiful as dark red mixed with the water in the bath. Kouichi gazed, frozen as he felt his heartbeat pulsate through his wrist, hard and strong, more of his vital fluids being pushed from the large slash. He dropped the razor into the bath and held his arm underneath the cut. It wasn't stopping. The blood was gushing out faster and faster. Kouichi's eyes widened as he shook with both fear and excitement. He lay back in the bath and closed his eyes, feeling blood gush over his other hand. He felt himself sinking, his body floating. Kouichi allowed himself to slip into sleep, his head too dizzy to make anything seem coherent anymore.   
  
"Kouichi?" Kouji asked, knocking on the bathroom door. He was feeling rather concerned, the boy had been in there for the past hour and they were planning to go out. He knocked again and upon hearing no reply tried the handle. It wasn't locked. He burst into the room and instantly felt sick. The air was fogged to an extent that it was almost impossible to see the bath on the other side of the room. As he got closer Kouji could tell something was wrong. He walked up to the bath and looked at his feet, seeing blood on the tiles, stepping closer he felt himself dry wretch. The water in the bath was a sickened pink and, underneath the water, was Kouichi, his eyes shut and his hair floating out above his head.  
  
Kouji rushed to pull his brother out of the water. He was bleeding profusely. Kouji searched for the source and pulled his arm out, exposing a neat line of cuts on his arm. He felt his stomach jump into his chest and dropped the body, quivering.  
  
"Kouichi?" He yelled, trying to wake him. He'd done this to himself, he'd done this to himself and Kouji had been in the next room completely unaware.   
  
Kouji shook his head and pulled Kouichi from the bath, laying him on the bathroom floor. Carefully he felt his neck for a pulse. He exhaled heavily, slightly relieved when he felt a tiny one.  
  
He stumbled out of the room quickly, desperately reaching for the phone.  
  
"Hello, how may we help you?" The voice said on the other end of the phone as Kouji tried to compose himself enough to tell the ambulance the address.  
  
  
  
++  
  
Kouichi woke up with a start in his hospital bed. His arm stung painfully from his sudden movement, still strapped tight to his chest and bandaged heavily.  
  
"The same dream," Kouichi muttered, pulling himself up to sit upright.  
  
He'd been dreaming the same thing now for almost the entire two and a half weeks he'd spent in hospital. Kouichi knew, deep down, that it was exactly what had happened when Kouji had found him, drowning in the bloody water he had created. His heart sank in his chest. His actions had hurt Kouji. He could see it every time he had visited him, Kouji's forced happiness hurting Kouichi more than he would ever admit. His mother was his only other visitor, but even though she loved him, her visits had become rare in the past week. Her new love interest easily drew her away from the guilt and confusion she felt every time she sat by her son's bedside. His other friends were too afraid of Kouichi. They didn't know what to say or where to look, they couldn't understand why he had done it in the first place.  
  
Kouichi didn't really mind, the only one he really wanted to visit him was Kouji. Other than that he preferred to be alone. Though he was happiest when Kouji was with him. Kouichi eased himself off the crinkled white sheets and put the last of his things in his bag. Today, finally, he was allowed to go home under the promise he'd come back three times a week. The psychologist was satisfied enough with Kouichi's progress for the time being that she had said that he was fit to leave. He laughed aloud at the thought. He'd never lied more than he had in those twice daily sessions with his sickeningly optimistic psychologist. He ran his free hand through his dark blue hair. Still nobody knew the truth about what was really going on in his head. They all thought it was stress from school, his life, his friends, and the usual pathetic things teenage angst was put down to. A cry for attention they'd called it. Yes, of course, everyone had a one-sided crush on their male twin brother. Kouichi sat back down on the bed. He pulled the sling off, up over his head. The cuts were healing slowly though the largest one still stung if hit accidentally, the stitches taking their time to mend his own doing. He cringed and tugged at the bandages on his arm. Why couldn't he stop what he was feeling? There was nothing right about it. Defeated he brought his knees to his chest, burrowing his forlorn face in them.   
  
Kouichi looked up from his hiding place several minutes later at the sound of footsteps in his room.  
  
He smiled genuinely, despite how he felt inside, "You made it!" He exclaimed, happily hugging Kouji and ignoring the pain in his arm.  
  
Kouji nodded, pulling away from his brother, "Are you ready to go then?" He asked, picking up his bag.  
  
Kouichi walked closer to Kouji, "No, leave it, I can do it!" He said quickly, trying his hardest to pry the handle from his brother's hands. Kouji grabbed his hands with his free one and pushed them away, "Kouichi," He muttered gruffly, "I've got it."  
  
Kouichi pulled his hands away and dropped his eyes to the ground, "Okay," He whispered.  
  
Kouji glanced at his brother, concerned, "I didn't mean it like that, Kouichi," He said apologetically, coming up behind him and placing a hand on his shoulder, "I just don't want you to get hurt."  
  
Kouichi turned around to face him, "I know," He said, "Let's just get out of here, okay?"  
  
The other boy nodded in reply and led him out of the hospital and into a waiting taxi.  
  
Kouji watched Kouichi as he stared out the window, engrossing himself in the scenery.  
  
"So, uhh ..." Kouji struggled to think of something to say, "Mum's really looking forward to you coming home."  
  
Kouichi didn't show any response.  
  
"I was talking to Izumi the other day," He continued, "You know," He laughed, "I think she really likes you, all we talked about is you."  
  
Kouichi blushed, but still said nothing.  
  
The taxi stopped outside a well-kept house. Kouji got out, pulling Kouichi's bag after him and paying the driver. Kouichi still hadn't moved. Kouji sighed and opened his door for him, "Come on Kouichi, you're home," He urged.  
  
Kouichi nodded and followed Kouji inside.  
  
"He's home!" Kouji called out.  
  
There was no reply.  
  
"Looks like she's gone out," Kouji shrugged, stating the obvious.  
  
Kouichi ignored Kouji and walked into his bedroom, leaving the door open behind him.  
  
"Hey, Kouichi," Kouji said, running after him, "What's wrong?"  
  
Tears trailed down Kouichi's cheeks, he flexed his hands into fists on either side of him.  
  
"Hey," Kouji tried again, "Hey, it's okay."  
  
Kouji looked around the room. He had no idea what to do. He fixed his gaze on the window and tried to ignore the sobbing in the background.  
  
Kouichi looked at Kouji through moistened eyes. Before he knew it he had pulled Kouji's hand in his and was bringing his face around to face him. Kouichi smiled through his tears and brought his lips, tentatively at first, onto Kouji's.  
  
Kouji's eyes widened as Kouichi kissed him harder, forcing his tongue into his mouth. Kouichi's injured hand pulled Kouji's hair out of its ponytail and entwined in his long hair, locking his head in place, his scar tissue pressed into the back of his head. Kouji, as much as he struggled, was unable to break free of Kouichi's hold on him. Kouichi's other hand trailed down his brother's chest and took hold of his groin, Kouji's body jumping at the sensation.   
  
"Stop it!" Kouji yelled, managing to push his twin off him and get off the bed.  
  
Kouichi's eyes glistened with tears.   
  
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" Kouji asked, his eyes flaring with anger, "You're my brother. My twin brother!"  
  
Kouichi focused his stare at Kouji's feet.  
  
"This ... isn't right," He said slowly, backing out of the room.  
  
Kouichi heard the front door bang behind Kouji as he ran out of the house. He collapsed on his bed and cried, loud sobs echoing throughout the empty home.  
  
Several minutes later the phone rang, Kouichi wiped the tears from his eyes and quietened his sobs to soft sniffles as he picked up the receiver.  
  
"Hello?" He choked.  
  
"Uh ... hi!" It was Takuya, "I see you made it home okay," He paused, quickly changing the subject, "Err, is Kouji around?"  
  
Kouichi felt his throat constrict and had to wait several moments before he could reply.  
  
"N ... n ... no," He stuttered, "I think he went home."  
  
"Did something happen?" Takuya asked, unsure of himself.  
  
Kouichi hung up the phone on Takuya and collapsed on the floor, curling himself up into a ball and allowing his sobbing to start again.  
  
++   
  
Kouji ran blindly down the side of a main street, his mind full of confusion. His hair flew out behind him as he hurried away from Kouichi as fast as he possibly could. How could his own brother do that to him? He swallowed painfully, the taste of Kouichi's mouth still bitter on his lips. Thinking hazily he turned down a side street that lead to Takuya's house. He ran harder, concentrating on how his body was moving to try and get the previous moment from his head, only to find it working furiously against him.  
  
"Hey, Kouji, I ..." Junpei was unable to finish the sentence as Kouji ran into him, pushing them both to the ground.  
  
Junpei's paper bag full of bread scattered around them, an upset moan leaving his lips. He looked at Kouji angrily as the boy staggered to his feet, brushing the dirt off the knees of his pants.  
  
Junpei's face fell when he saw the mad state Kouji was in. He dropped his eyes to the boy's scraped knee, oozing blood, and stared cautiously back at his face.  
  
"Uh, are you okay buddy?" Junpei asked gently, unable to hide the worry from his face.  
  
Kouji grunted something incomprehensible and started running again, limping slightly, and leaving Junpei awestruck, still sitting on the asphalt.  
  
++  
  
Takuya heard the doorbell being rung over and over again desperately, but still took his time to open the door. When he finally did he found Kouji, finger still poised to press the button again. Takuya's eyes flashed wide when he took in Kouji's appearance. His face was flushed and his breathing was heavy, his clothes were covered with dirt, his left knee scraped and bleeding and his hair hung loose, a messy tangle replacing his normally immaculate hair.  
  
"Kouji," He breathed in shock, pulling the boy inside and shutting the door behind him, "What happened?"  
  
Kouji launched himself onto Takuya, wrapping his arms around him and burying his face in his chest.   
  
"It's Kouichi," He whispered, barely audible, embarrassed by the choking sound his voice made.  
  
"Who's at the door dear?" Takuya's mother cut through whatever Takuya was about to say.  
  
"Oh, it's..." He pushed Kouji away from him carefully so his mother wouldn't see them if she came in, "It's just Kouji, he's come to borrow some games."   
  
"Oh, okay," Her reply came somewhere towards the back of the house.  
  
Takuya turned back to Kouji to find his eyes glassy. He raised an eyebrow in concern, "Is ... is he okay?" He asked tentatively, remembering his brief conversation with him only a short time before.  
  
"He's ... he's, I mean ..." Kouji gasped, unable to communicate what he was trying to say.  
  
Takuya hushed him, cupping his cheek in his hand, "Tell me what happened," He requested gently.   
  
Swiftly he took Kouji's hand in his and led him into his bedroom. Closing the door he sat besides Kouji and wrapped his arms around him.  
  
Takuya opened his mouth to say something, but it was Kouji who broke the silence.  
  
"He," He swallowed loudly, "He kissed me."  
  
"What?!?" Takuya said, surprise causing his voice to rise in possessiveness.   
  
He suddenly realised what he'd done and settled down again, "But ... why?" He wondered aloud, asking the exact thing Kouji had been trying to answer.  
  
Kouji dropped his head to stare at the carpet, "I suppose he thinks he's in love with me," He replied, half guessing, half knowing.  
  
Takuya combed Kouji's hair with his fingers, trying to straighten it, "But don't you think that's wrong?"  
  
Kouji nodded, resting his head on Takuya's shoulder, "I just ... you know, he's not right in the head at the moment. I feel bad for yelling at him."  
  
Takuya hugged Kouji tighter to him and kissed the top of his head, "I know, Kouji."   
  
He continued to stroke Kouji's hair and felt the other boy's heartbeat dropping, pressed against his chest.   
  
After several minutes had passed Kouji looked up at Takuya, a worried look on his face, "I don't know what to do, Takuya," He closed his eyes painfully as memories flashed in his mind, "I don't want to find him ... like that again."  
  
Takuya felt his heart throb sadly for Kouji, the pain that he had experienced second hand through Kouji only allowing him to partly understand the agony he was going through.  
  
"I mean, he's my brother," Kouji continued, his eyes still clamped shut tight, "I've only known that for a little while and I don't want to lose him. What if he does it again, Takuya, what if he does?" Kouji breathed in jaggedly, his eyes filling with tears, "I've almost watched him die twice, and I don't want to do it again. I can't watch him all of the time and I can't make him happy. I just ... I just don't know what I can do anymore Takuya. It's hopeless."  
  
Takuya wiped the tears from Kouji's face with his thumb and kissed him lightly on the lips.  
  
"I'm here to help you Kouji," Takuya said softly, "You don't have to go through this alone, remember that."  
  
Kouji nodded and made himself comfortable on Takuya's chest, holding him tightly around the waist, "Thankyou Takuya," He murmured.  
  
Takuya lay back on his bed and pulled Kouji down beside him. Kouji squirmed closer so that he was lying on his side by Takuya, his hand now on his chest.  
  
Takuya wondered if he should tell Kouji about the phone call, but soon decided against it. There was no need to upset Kouji again just after he'd managed to calm him down.  
  
"You know," Takuya, thought aloud, "I think I have an idea."  
  
Kouji rolled around so that his chin rested on Takuya's chest. His face was flushed from crying, but he smiled anyway.  
  
"What?" He asked, quietly.  
  
"Why don't we go over to Kouichi's house tonight and watch videos, or, something? At least that way you'll be able to make sure he doesn't do anything."  
  
Takuya watched as Kouji thought the idea over in his mind, "But what if he ..."  
  
Takuya hushed him with his index finger, "We can at least try - right?"  
  
Kouji pulled himself up so that his nose was brushing against Takuya's, "This is why I love you," He muttered, "You always make me see the positive side." With that he smiled and brought his lips down on Takuya's, his mouth tasting sweet on his own.  
  
Takuya broke the kiss off after a little while and smiled, "Let's go ring Kouichi, okay?"  
  
Kouji's lower lip trembled, "But what can I say?"  
  
Takuya held his bottom lip still with him thumb, "Just apologise for what happened. Say that you weren't expecting it, or something. He'll understand."  
  
Kouji nodded and got off the bed, Takuya standing up behind him.  
  
"I'll just go get the phone," He said, quickly running out of the room to grab the cordless appliance from the kitchen.  
  
He returned just as quickly and handed it to Kouji who sat back down on the bed.  
  
Exhaling heavily he keyed the numbers into the phone. Takuya smiled reassuringly and sat beside Kouji, taking his free hand in his and squeezing it for support.  
  
"H ... hello?" Kouichi's voice answered, unsure of itself.  
  
Kouji swallowed again, "Hi, Kou, it's me."  
  
Kouji heard a sob from the other end of the phone.  
  
"Listen, Kouichi," Kouji said tenderly, "I'm sorry ... about before. I just wasn't expecting it, you know?" He glanced at Takuya who nodded him on, "I didn't know you felt like that Kouichi, I really had no idea."  
  
He heard Kouichi breathing.  
  
"Look, I'm really sorry I reacted like that, I..."  
  
"Who's there with you?" Kouichi asked suddenly, having heard Takuya's breathing as he'd come closer to hear the conversation.   
  
Kouji nudged Takuya away a little with his shoulder and sighed, "It's Takuya, Kouichi."  
  
Kouichi fell silent on the other end of the phone, "Oh, I see," He said quietly.  
  
"No, it's not like that!" Kouji exclaimed, "I just couldn't go home in the state I was in, so I came here."  
  
Kouji rubbed his eye with his palm, "I was wondering if you wanted to do something tonight?"  
  
"Yeah?" Kouichi asked, suddenly sounding happier, "Like what?"  
  
"How about Takuya and I bring some videos around and we have a marathon or something?"  
  
Kouichi thought about the proposal for a moment, "Does Takuya have to come?"  
  
"He wants to see you Kouichi," Kouji explained, quickly, "Won't it be nice to have someone other than me around?"  
  
Kouji heard sniffing coming from Kouichi, "Yeah, I suppose," He gave in, defeated.  
  
"Great," Kouji breathed a sigh of relief, "We'll be around soon, okay?"  
  
"Okay," Kouichi repeated, "Bye."  
  
Before Kouji could say anything back to him, Kouichi had hung up the phone. Shrugging, Kouji pressed the off button on the phone and handed it back to Takuya.  
  
"So...?" Takuya asked.  
  
"Well, he agreed," He sighed, "Reluctantly, but he agreed all the same."  
  
Takuya kissed Kouji's cheek and hugged him, "You did a wonderful thing just now, you know that?" He told him.  
  
Kouji blushed and followed Takuya from his bedroom.  
  
++  
  
Kouichi hung up the phone and threw it violently off the table it sat on. Kouji had to be lying about his relationship with Takuya. Why else would he go to him if he were so 'vulnerable'? Kouichi walked back into his room and looked at a framed picture on his dresser, a smiling Kouichi standing between Kouji and Takuya. It had been taken shortly after they'd all returned from the Digital World, Kouichi having only just been released from hospital.  
  
Kouichi clenched his fists and picked the frame up, throwing it against the opposite wall. Glass shattered and fell onto the carpet, the photo floating to rest on the shards.  
  
He collapsed to his knees, hopelessly searching for an answer.   
  
"Kouichi, are you home yet?" His frustrated thoughts were cut by his mother's voice.   
  
He rose quickly from the floor and brushed his hand through his hair, rushing to run out of the room and shutting the door behind him.  
  
"Hi Mum," He said, overemphasising his cheerfulness.  
  
"Kouichi!" She exclaimed, hurrying to hug him, "It's good to see you home again."  
  
Kouichi nodded, pulling away from his mother's embrace.  
  
He watched her look around, "Where's Kouji?"  
  
"He's ..." Kouichi tried to think of something that wouldn't upset her, "He went to go and get videos with Takuya, and we're going to watch them tonight. Is that okay?"  
  
She nodded earnestly, picking up a bottle of perfume on the table to spray it on herself, "Of course it is, I only came home for a moment to make sure you were okay," Kouichi's face looked hurt, "No, Kouichi, I didn't mean it like that ... It's just ... I'm going out tonight."  
  
"Oh, I see," Kouichi said quietly.  
  
A stunned silence fell between them.  
  
"Come on Kouichi, aren't you pleased to see me happy?" His mother asked, a tone of annoyance cutting through the air.  
  
Kouichi looked up at her, coughing from the strong scent of the perfume, "Sure I am, go out and have fun," He watched her apply lipstick in the mirror, "Will you be home tonight?" He asked.  
  
She put the lipstick back in her bag and found a hairbrush, dragging it through her long hair, "I'm not sure. Probably not though," She glanced at the watch on her wrist, "I really have to get going, Kouichi."  
  
Kouichi nodded and pushed her towards the door.  
  
"Alright then," She turned her head back to try and look at him, a serious tone creeping into her voice, "Don't do anything silly while I'm gone, okay?"  
  
Kouichi's arms dropped to his side, as he looked away from her, guilty, "Sure Mum," He muttered, "I'll see you later."  
  
"Bye," She managed to get out before Kouichi hurried to shut the door in her face.  
  
He let his head fall heavily against the solid door, hating himself.   
  
After a little while he rose again, slowly walking into the bathroom to splash water on his face. Kouichi's body shivered with thoughts of his last memories of being in the room. He turned to look at the bath he could only vaguely remember laying in, the pictures in his mind flashing in and out of focus. Kouichi's eyes trailed to the tiles. A pale red seemed permanently stained into the white grout, a constant reminder of his failure. He glanced at himself in the mirror again. His hair was sticking at odd angles and his pale face looked hollow, bags sitting under his eyes. He looked down on himself. The bandages on his arm were coming off and his clothes were hanging loosely on him. He was a wreck, a failure. It all seemed obvious now. Kouji was the good twin, not him. He pulled violently at the bandages wrapped tightly on his arm and let them float to the floor, falling onto his feet. His arm outstretched before him, palm up, he used his index finger to trace the lines he had put there. Images of Kouji flashed in his mind smiling happy, laughing. Not with him, with Takuya.   
  
Now that Kouichi thought about it, it had always been Kouji and Takuya. Kouichi was just a tag along. Something Kouji only ever bothered with because of his blood ties to him as a brother. He reached the stitches on his wrist, digging his nails underneath them out of pure hatred. Flashes of made-up visualisations causing his resentment to increase as Kouji and Takuya entwined intimately together, pointing and laughing at his stupidity. Kouichi pulled on the stitching holding his healing skin together, ripping it apart, screams of pain echoing around the room, tears falling from his eyes. Blood seeped to the surface of the cut, creating a trickling river down towards his elbow. Kouichi stared at it, entranced by the way it slid smoothly down his skin so effortlessly. Suddenly his mother's parting words sounded in his ears and he panicked, grabbing hold of his wrist with his other hand, applying pressure to try and stop the bleeding. Excruciating pain reverberated through his body, sending shivers down his spine. Thinking quickly he picked the bandages up off the floor and wrapped his arm back up in them, securing it tightly.  
  
He tried to look up at himself in the mirror, but couldn't bring himself to do it, jerking his head away at the very last moment. Salty tears slid down his cheeks and fell onto his shoulder. A failure. That's all he'd ever be. He picked up the soap on the vanity and brought it behind his head, throwing it violently at the mirror, a slimy mark tarnishing his clear, perfect reflection. The soap fell to the floor, sliding away underneath the bath. Kouichi glimpsed up into the mirror, his face now a blur because of the soap.   
  
Yes, this was what he was.   
  
Nothing.  
  
He walked out of the bathroom and into his own bedroom, his lamp causing the room to be cast in eerie shadows compared to the darkness outside. Kouji would be here soon, with Takuya. Kouichi wiped the tears from his eyes and looked at the mess he had made early. He walked over to it and carefully picked up the photo, stroking Kouji's frozen smiling figure. His eyes followed the direction Kouji's eyes were looking to fall onto Takuya. He'd never noticed it before. A sickening feeling rose up in his throat as he came to the conclusion that, even then, Kouji would always want Takuya over him. Anger flared once again, and he opened his desk drawer to find matches, lighting one and bringing Takuya's grinning face alight. He laughed as Takuya's image disappeared from the photo, melting away to nothing. Hastily he put the small flame out with his hands, leaving only him and Kouji together, happy. Kouichi walked to his pinup board, remembering the broken glass in the carpet at the last possible moment and narrowly avoiding it. He ripped away the other pieces of paper pinned to the board and replaced it with the photo. He noticed, as he extended his arm, that the bandages were wet with blood around his wrist. A sudden knock on the door startled him. He frantically looked around him for something to substitute the bandages with, but came up with nothing. He heard the door handle turning.  
  
"Kouichi?" Kouji called out, "We're here."  
  
Kouji quickly exited his room, shutting the door behind him.  
  
"Oh, hi!" He said, hiding his bandaged arm behind his back.  
  
Takuya stood behind Kouji, trying to avoid catching Kouichi's eye.  
  
"Hi, Takuya, long time no see," Kouichi purred, his voice dripping with sarcasm.  
  
His eyes snapped to smile kindly at Kouichi, stepping out from behind Kouji, "Yeah, hi. How are you?"  
  
"Oh, I'm just fine," Kouichi replied, amused with the idle chitchat, "And how are you?"  
  
Kouji looked at Takuya and Kouichi, his eyes switching between the two.  
  
"That's good to hear, I'm feeling pretty good myself. Kouji and I have been ..."  
  
"Where's Mum?" Kouji asked suddenly, cutting the game off between his brother and lover.  
  
Takuya eyed Kouji, seeing the panic flush over his face.  
  
"She's gone out with that new guy of hers again," Kouichi muttered, his eyes dropping to stare at the floor, "She probably won't be back tonight."  
  
"Then it's a good thing we brought food!" Takuya exclaimed, holding up a pizza box.  
  
Kouichi turned away from the two and walked in the direction of the kitchen. He pulled out plates and put them on the bench as Kouji entered the room, Takuya directly behind.  
  
"Shall we eat first?" Kouji asked, resting a bag of videos gently on the floor.  
  
Takuya nodded and opened the lid of the box up, exposing the hot food inside.   
  
"Fresh food for all," Takuya said excitedly, raising his arms up above his head.  
  
Kouji laughed at Takuya's stupidity, but quickly cut it short when he felt Kouichi's eyes narrowing at him.  
  
"Let's start then," Kouji muttered, reaching forward to pull a slice onto his plate.  
  
Takuya followed Kouji and they quickly started to eat.  
  
After several minutes silence Kouji looked up at Kouichi who was standing, frozen in place.  
  
"Aren't you hungry?" Kouji asked, swallowing.  
  
Takuya looked up from his plate, raising an eyebrow.  
  
A small smile tweaked at the edges of Kouichi's lips as he took his hands out from behind his back and took a slice of pizza for himself, at the same time exposing his bloodied bandages.  
  
"Smells great," He said, taking a bite.  
  
Takuya's eyes bulged in his head as his pizza dropped from his hands and fell onto his plate. He quickly drew his eyes away from Kouichi's arm and picked up his pizza again, acting like nothing had happened.  
  
Kouji froze, a mixture of guilt, sorrow and hatred rising inside of him. He swallowed again, placing his pizza back on his plate and deciding what he could say.  
  
"Kouichi?" Kouji said, unable to hide the quaver in his voice, "What's that?"  
  
Kouichi looked at his wrist and back at Kouji, the smile falling from his face, "It's nothing, really," He murmured quietly, "I just took the bandages off to move my arm a little and one of the stitches came undone. It's stopped bleeding though, it's okay," He paused, "I stopped it."  
  
Takuya pretended to act like he wasn't there, trying as hard as he could to not pull Kouji into his arms and protect him from his own brother. He took tiny bites, forcing himself to concentrate on eating, rather than what was happening.  
  
Kouji smiled sadly, "You stopped it, Kou?" He asked.  
  
Kouichi nodded.  
  
"That's really great," He smiled at his twin, his eyes alight.  
  
Silence fell between the three again, no one able to think of something to say.  
  
Takuya noticed, as Kouichi was eating, that he was glaring down at him as he sat on the opposite side of the bench. He tried to conspicuously catch Kouji's eye, but every time he did Kouji quickly looked away.  
  
Finally, Takuya unable to take anymore stood noisily, "Why don't we go start watching these videos, eh?" Asking Kouji, more than anyone else.   
  
Kouji nodded and when Kouichi saw his reply nodded as well.  
  
Kouichi walked into the living room with Takuya and quickly sat on the only couch in the room while Takuya set the video up. Kouji came in, having cleaned up their mess, and slouched onto the floor, resting his back against the couch. Kouichi frowned as Takuya fast-forwarded through the opening previews.   
  
"Why don't you sit next to me Kouji?" Kouichi asked, making his voice sound upset as he patted the cushioning next to him.  
  
Takuya sighed quietly and watched as Kouji got up to sit in the middle of the couch, feeling obligated.  
  
"Isn't this more comfortable?" Kouichi asked, sidling closer to be near his brother.  
  
Kouji nodded absently, his pleading eyes to Takuya failing to be picked up by Kouichi.  
  
Finally the movie started, Takuya, knowing that Kouji needed some sort of rescuing, sat on the other side of the couch, much to Kouichi's disgust.  
  
The movie was an old action one that both Takuya and Kouichi knew was Kouji's favourite. Kouichi reached behind him and switched the light off, leaving the three boys engulfed in darkness, light from the television only slightly illuminating their faces.  
  
As the movie became more involved Kouichi carefully took his hand and slid it into Kouji's, frowning when he flinched. He wrapped his hand further around his and brushed his thumb against his skin gently.  
  
Kouji tried to pull away without being noticed but Kouichi refused to let him go. He sighed heavily and gave in, comforting himself by reaching for Takuya's hand, out of site of Kouichi. Takuya held tightly onto Kouji, somehow understanding the personal turmoil his twin brother was putting him through.  
  
Kouichi felt his eyes closing on him halfway through their fourth movie, the emotional day finally catching up with him as dawn began to approach. He rested his head on Kouji's shoulder and moved his hand to hold onto the inner side of his thigh. Kouji squirmed uncomfortably and tried to move away from his brother, only managing to cause Kouichi to fall into his lap. Kouji felt Takuya's muscles tightening in his hand and looked at him, his face ghostly in the lack of light, and shook his head. Kouichi smiled evilly to himself and closed his eyes, making himself comfortable. His eyes soon closed as he felt himself slip into sleep.  
  
++  
  
As the final credits rolled Takuya glanced down at Kouichi and then up at Kouji, "Is he asleep?" He whispered.  
  
Kouji nodded, "I ... think so."  
  
Takuya breathed a sigh of relief, "God, you really weren't kidding were you?"  
  
Kouji looked down at his sleeping brother, "It's not his fault. He never asked to be given these feelings," He paused, sadness filling his heart for the person his brother used to be, "I bet he knows what he's doing is wrong."  
  
Takuya looked at Kouji critically, "It doesn't mean he has to be such an asshole though. He may not be able to change his feelings, but he could at least control his urges a little more."  
  
"He's not completely right at the moment Takuya. Don't blame him."  
  
"Well did you see how he was acting around me, huh?" Takuya hissed quietly, "He knows about us Kouji, he knows and he's trying to push me away."  
  
"Don't be stupid Takuya," Kouji threw back, feeling himself get angry, "He's always like this recently."  
  
"Oh yeah?" Takuya replied standing up, "Then how come he kept separating you from me? He just wants your attention Kouji he's just wanting to ... look he's even got us fighting now. This is exactly what he wants!"  
  
Kouji slid out from underneath Kouichi and stood up. Silently, he walked out of the room, Takuya following behind.  
  
He walked into a spare bedroom and turned to Takuya who was pushing the door closed, "Look, I'm sorry Takuya," He said forcefully, "It's just if I don't at least play along he'll," His voice dropped, "... he might ..."  
  
Takuya nodded, "I know," He walked closer and wrapped his arms around his frame, "I know Kouji," He stroked his back with his hand, "It hurts me to see what he's doing to you, that's all."   
  
Kouji sighed, "Yeah, I'm sorry for bringing you into all of this Takuya."  
  
"It's okay Kouji," Takuya brought his face closer to his, "I want to be the one to help you through this."  
  
Kouji closed his eyes and allowed his lips to brush against Takuya's, "I love you," He whispered, bringing his lips onto his. Takuya broke their lips apart but still stayed close, "I love you too Kouji."  
  
Kouji smiled and pulled the bandanna off his head, allowing Takuya to free his long hair from its restraint, it falling loosely on his back. He kissed him again, welcoming Takuya's tongue into his mouth as his hands rested on his chest. Kouji fell forward as Takuya pulled away from him, only a well-placed hand on his chest keeping him upright as Takuya flicked the light switch off. He pushed Kouji backwards, his body falling softly onto the big bed behind him.  
  
"You had that all planned out, didn't you?" Kouji asked, his voice full of make-believe hurt at Takuya's actions.  
  
"Aw, come on," Takuya said slyly, jumping on top of Kouji, "You know you loved it." Kouji flushed embarrassment as Takuya giggled, "I may not be able to see you, but I know you did!"  
  
"Oh yeah?" Kouji said snidely, "Then let's see how you like this!"  
  
He used his hands to push Takuya off him before rolling over on top of him.  
  
"Role reversal, hey?" Takuya laughed.  
  
Kouji exhaled loudly, "I'm not going to win here, am I?" He questioned the boy underneath him, already knowing he was defeated.  
  
Takuya sniffed sarcastically and rolled over so that he was the one on top of Kouji, "Why don't ... you just ... give up?" He whispered, separating his words as he kissed Kouji's face.  
  
"Is that wise?" Kouji teased, running both his hands down the other boy's rib cage.  
  
Takuya shuddered, "Probably not," He continued as Kouji's finger delicately traced his ribs, "But you know you'll give in anyway." Takuya brought his mouth close to Kouji's ear and breathed slowly into it, "I know you want it."  
  
Takuya pressed down on Kouji and brought his mouth on his, biting his lip as he pulled his hands out from underneath his own shirt, rising them above his head.  
  
"Stay!" He commanded and then brought his hands to brush gently against Kouji's exposed torso.  
  
"What am I now, a dog?" Kouji muttered under his breath, his skin tingling as Takuya's fingers scraped against his skin.  
  
Takuya poked his tongue out at him and skilfully ran his hands up his chest, pulling his shirt over his head.  
  
"You can be my puppy if you'd like," He mocked as Kouji brought his hands to Takuya's waist.  
  
"Just because you're the one on top doesn't mean you get to boss me around," He said in his ear, taking his shirt off for him and throwing it from the bed.  
  
"Oh, you're welcome to boss me around anytime you like," Takuya breathed as he ran his index finger down the boy's chest to his belly button, "Though I think you prefer it to be like this, don't you?"  
  
Kouji blushed in the early morning light, "You're not very nice, you know that?" He sulked, turning his head away.  
  
Takuya cupped his cheek in his hand and turned his face back to look up at him, "I'm sorry Mr. Minamoto but sometimes the truth hurts."  
  
Kouji stuck his bottom lip out, feigning sadness, which Takuya brought his own mouth onto, biting hard. Kouji pulled back instinctively from the pain.  
  
"Sorry," Takuya apologised while grinning madly, "I promise I won't hurt you ...too badly."  
  
Kouji threw his fist out at him in a half-hearted attempt to hit him, failing dismally. He sighed and gave up, closing his eyes as Takuya brought his mouth onto his nipple, painstakingly teasing it with his teeth. He whimpered softly and found Takuya's hand, interlacing his fingers with his own lovingly. Suddenly he remembered Kouichi, asleep out in the living room and gasped, feeling bad for having forgot about him. He opened his mouth to say something but only gulped as Takuya ran his tongue lower down Kouji's body, sitting upright on his thighs and letting go of his hand. It was only as he reached for the clasps on Kouji's pants that the boy managed to gain control of himself enough to grab hold of Takuya's hands.  
  
"No, don't ... we can't," Kouji whispered, half lost in arousal, "What if Kouichi hears us?"  
  
Takuya froze and stared down at Kouji, trying to understand what had brought about his swift change of mind. He exhaled heavily, dropping his shoulders and rolling off Kouji, "Yeah," He said flatly, "I'm sorry."  
  
Kouji turned on his side to face him, "It's not you. I just ... why don't we just go to sleep?"  
  
Takuya made a sound resembling agreement and rolled over, away from Kouji. Kouji rolled on his back and looked up at the ceiling, his mind full of confusion.  
  
It was always about Kouichi, everything had to come back to him. Kouji rubbed his eyes. He knew that whatever Kouichi wanted he'd eventually get. It was exactly as Takuya had said. He ground his teeth anxiously. At that moment he knew he loathed Kouichi for being so selfish. There was no possible way he'd ever be in that kind of relationship with him. They were only brothers.   
  
"Fuck him," Kouji said aloud.  
  
"What?" Takuya asked, his voice drowsy.  
  
He turned to face Takuya's back, "Fuck Kouichi," He repeated, "He can't go and fuck up my life like he has with his."  
  
Takuya turned to face him, "Kouji?"  
  
"No, I mean it," He raised his voice a little higher, "He thinks he can get whatever he wants, but he can't. I won't let him," He inhaled sharply, "He's my brother and as much as I love him, I love you more," Takuya raised an eyebrow as Kouji clenched his fists, "So he can piss off for all I care because he shouldn't be controlling what happens right now, we should." Kouji dropped his voice and smiled, "And if you don't kiss me right now I'm going to hurt you."  
  
Takuya smiled genuinely and pulled Kouji into a deep kiss, his bare chest rubbing against his.  
  
"I love you," Takuya whispered, rolling himself back on top of Kouji and hastily trying to unzip his pants.  
  
"I know," Kouji said happily, feeling his body quiver as Takuya's hands worked their way down his legs, exposing his naked body.  
  
Takuya threw the pants onto the floor and brought his mouth to the tip of Kouji's length, engulfing it in his mouth. Kouji breathed heavily and closed his eyes, pushing his way further back into the pillows on the bed as he moaned happily.  
  
++  
  
Kouichi woke with a start and blinked several times before his eyes focussed on the room, the early morning light casting eerie shadows through the window. He lay there for a moment, staring at the AV screen on the television, trying to remember why he was lying there. In an instant he remembered everything and sat up quickly, his mind struggling to cope with the sudden shift. He looked around the room for a glimpse of Kouji, even Takuya, but his search came up empty. Pausing, he raised his eyebrow and listened to the silence. In the spare room Kouichi could hear people moving. He waited until the birds had stopped and listened again. Yes, he could hear them. Together. Kouichi clenched his fist and stood slowly, his mind awash with hatred. He tiptoed quietly to the kitchen, the sound of pleasured sighs filling the house and Kouichi's ears. Smoothly he pulled a large blade from its place in his mother's knife set, pressing it up to his face so that the metal pushed coldly into his skin. He smiled wickedly, his pulse sitting steady as he walked robotically to the partially closed door of the spare bedroom.  
  
Kouichi stopped. Kneeling he brought his eyes to the small gap, narrowing them as he saw Takuya, his hand on Kouji's hip bone and his other in his own pants. His mouth was sucking Kouji in an agonizingly slow way, the boy's erection showing his approval of the treatment. Kouichi's eyes closed briefly as the sight of Takuya jacking himself off while bringing Kouji to a gasping orgasm sickened him to his stomach.   
  
He shook his head sadly and caught his disapproval in his throat, a choking sound echoing into the bedroom. Jumping he pressed himself against the wall and swallowed audibly, the knife falling into his lap. Kouichi dropped his head to his chest and allowed silent tears to fall from his eyes, feeling their warm trails drip off of his face. The noise inside the bedroom didn't stop, Kouji's groans continuing to grow louder as Takuya's mouth explored the private regions of the very place Kouichi wished he could claim as his own. Warily Kouichi stood. He used the knife to cut the bandages from his arm and sliced his self inflicted injuries open once more, the skin splitting easily and blood filling the shallow gashes where pink skin had been mere seconds before. The bandages dropped to his feet, the knife slipping from his hands and falling to the floor, standing upright in the carpet. Quietly he pushed open the door, telling himself once again that Takuya was the enemy. Takuya was the one keeping Kouji from being his own. Takuya had to be dealt with.  
  
Kouichi smiled, standing in the doorway, the light reflecting onto his face so that only his eyes could be seen in the filtered room. He walked into the room slowly, his boots hitting the carpet and creating a chilly sound on the thin walls as he drew closer to the boys. Kouji eyes froze wide in shock as he looked at his twin brother, his arm dripping in blood and his eyes staring directly at the boy lying on top of him.  
  
"K ... Kou ... Kouichi?" Kouji gasped, pushing Takuya of him and covering his nudity with his hands.  
  
Takuya, his half naked body pushing back into the bed with fear, gulped and looked at Kouji, desperately hoping for something to stop Kouichi from advancing onto him.  
  
Kouji cleared his throat, "Kou?" He tried again, desperate to stop his brother from doing something terrible, "KOUICHI!!!" He screeched.   
  
Kouji stood and jumped in front of Kouichi, preventing him from reaching Takuya, "Stop it Kou!" Kouji gasped through tears, "Don't touch him, it's me you want. It's me..." Kouji grabbed the chest of Kouichi's shirt and pleaded with him through his sobs, "It's my fault, not his Kouichi, leave him out of it."  
  
Kouichi looked down on his brother and shook his head, violently using his two hands to push him into the window and smiling sadly as his body fell to the floor.  
  
He turned his head back to Takuya whose mouth hung open in shock.   
  
"Kouichi?" He managed to mutter through his surprise, "Kouichi ... what are you doing?" Takuya composed himself and got to his feet, trying to get to Kouji. Kouichi stood in the way, "Get out of the way Kouichi, you've hurt him!"   
  
Kouichi laughed, "Well..." He started slowly, "I was never good for much else than causing pain, was I?"  
  
Takuya stopped trying to get past Kouichi and looked him in the eye, "What are you talking about?"  
  
Kouichi patted Takuya's bare chest with his hand, blood smears covering his skin, "It's nothing. Nothing that should have ever concerned you anyway."  
  
Before Takuya could move out of the way Kouichi had pushed him into the bedroom wall. Swiftly he walked back over to pick his body up. Takuya groaned as Kouichi held him by his hair and smashed him into the wall, the sound of his skull crashing against the plaster causing the room to shudder. Finally Kouichi dropped him and allowed his body to fall limply to the ground, his beaten face looking to the roof.  
  
"Tsk, tsk, Takuya," Kouichi mouthed quietly, "If you were a smart boy you would've known when to STAY THE FUCK AWAY," The last few words he screamed at the semi conscious boy.   
  
"I hate you Takuya," Kouichi said, drawing each word out slowly, as if he were pulling teeth from the boy, "In fact I despise you." Kouichi spat in his face, "Goodbye Takuya, let's just hope the next life is a little kinder to you."  
  
Kouichi brought the heel of his boot down onto the boy's chest. Takuya's body revolted against the pain and Kouichi smiled, his own blood dripping from his fingertips to fall into his eyes as he stomped again on his chest, the sound of cracking bones causing laughter to erupt from his throat.  
  
From the other corner of the room a cough emerged from Kouji's body. Kouichi froze, poised to bring his foot down onto Takuya's chest he suddenly dropped it and looked down at Takuya. His gaze turned to stare at his own hands, one covered in his own blood, and the other with Takuya's. He stumbled back and fell against the bed, the sound of blood gurgling in Takuya's throat filling his ears.   
  
Kouji pulled himself weakly to his knees, "Ta ... Takuya?" He said aloud, crawling over to the boy.  
  
Kouji screamed as if he was the one that had been beaten, "Takuya!!" He said urgently, shaking the boy before realising it was too late. Kouji's eyes welled with tears. Carefully he pulled Takuya's body into his arms and kissed his forehead. Takuya coughed, his body moving with the effort as blood slipped past his lips and dribbled down his paling skin.  
  
"I love you," Takuya said breathlessly, hardly audible to anyone but Kouji. Kouji nodded, tears falling down his face. Takuya's eyes closed then, his body giving one last heave before falling limp in Kouji's embrace. Kouji hugged his lover's lifeless body closer to him, not caring who heard his wails or saw his pain.   
  
Takuya was dead.   
  
Kouichi gasped as he watched his own brother mourn for the person he loved. The boy Kouichi had killed. Takuya Kanbara. Kouichi didn't stop his tears. He was useless. Not only had he not got what he wanted but he had also caused the only person he really cared about unspeakable pain. He was worth nothing to anybody now. Kouichi stood and stumbled from the room, his vision blurred by his tears. Blindly he groped on the floor outside the room until he found what he was looking for. Carelessly he picked the blade up with his hand and ignored the stinging as it sliced into his skin. He blinked and looked at the mess on his left arm, the drying blood sticking to him uncomfortably. Breathing sharply he looked once more in the bedroom. His twin brother sat hunched over Takuya's body sobbing loudly and running his hand through his hair, muttering things unable to be understood. Kouichi brought his hand to his mouth to prevent any sound from escaping his lips and continued walked down the hallway, hatred of his own self rising in his blood. He pushed open the door to his bedroom and pulled his shirt over his head, throwing it against the door. Early morning light flickered through his shades and he rushed to shut them, not wanting to see the world. He pulled the picture of Kouji and himself from his pin up board and sat on the floor in the middle of his room, the handle of the knife blade resting firmly against his thumb. Kouichi closed his eyes and sighed. What was he to anyone now anyway? He sniffed, the sound of Kouji's cries echoing throughout the house and blocking out the sounds of the outside world.   
  
"Kouji," Kouichi whispered to himself, his grip tightening on the blade as he brought it in front of himself, "I'm," He faltered before strengthening again, "I'm sorry."  
  
Kouichi forced the knife into his chest, his body twitching as he choked, his gasps for air catching in his throat. He pushed the blade in still further as he fell backwards onto the shards of glass he'd left there earlier. The photo fell from his grasp as both hands came up to hold onto the handle of the knife as he took his last gulp of air, his eyes rolling into the back of his head as blood poured from the wound in his chest. 


End file.
